Saturday, April 10, 2010

Two posts?

I figure two posts in one day will cancel out the fact that I missed yesterday, right? ;)

I just had that bittersweet feeling I get sometimes. I don't think I've blogged about it, the saddest events of my life... So I will. Not to get sympathy or extra attention, but because it's on my mind and that's what my blog is: my thoughts when I sit to type-or thoughts I had a few days ago and forgot then... :)

I was reading the latest posts about the new addition to the Days family:
It made me say "aww, how sweet" and "what a beautiful baby"... but it made me sad that we never had a third child. We tried. We wanted more children.

We were expecting "Sam"- we never knew the gender and thought Sam would work. :) We lost Sam at 15 weeks of pregnancy. After having two flawless pregnancies with our girls, it was utter shock and devastation.

Then, right around our due date for Sam, we got pregnant with Sara. I was anxious and worried about how this pregnancy would end up, especially after losing Sam. Our doctor assured us that Sam was just our "odds catching up with us" and with no health issues, we should be fine. The first trimester came and passed, with baby Sara doing wonderfully! Ah, relief, I could stop worrying! Our girls were 3 and a 1/2 and 7. My husband and the girls painted the nursery yellow and we bought things for her room. We still weren't sure of her gender at this point. The girls were beyond excited, and so were we!

Then I felt like things weren't right. Oddly it was September 11. A year after the planes crashed on that sad day. I just felt like something was wrong. They told me to come in and we'd listen to the heart beat. They were sure it was just a worried mom feeling. My husband met me at the hospital, thank goodness. We listened, but they couldn't find a baby heartbeat. That's common, they told me. So, we did an ultrasound. We saw that her heart wasn't beating.

We went in on a Friday the 13th and delivered our third girl. So tiny and perfect, at 6 months of gestation. They were never sure what happened. They did tests on her, and on me, but came up with nothing. The delivering doctor said she thought the cord may have been around her neck, but my doctor wasn't so sure. It was awful.

Her nursery door stayed closed for several weeks, months. We took her room decor back to the store. The girls were devastated. I was... words cannot express how sad I was. The ache that filled my entire being. I cried almost everyday for months. That's when I started drinking wine at night, just to dull the thoughts and memories, hopes and dreams, as I went to sleep.

After a while, my husband wanted to try again. I just couldn't. I knew I'd be a worried mess and not a good mother to the two daughters I already had.

Sara would be in first grade, now. It's still painful and sad when I just think about it. Although, I don't think about the events as much, though I still think of her and what she'd be like.

There was a positive thing from all the sadness, though, as I look back, now, years later. My husband was brought to faith and I was brought back to faith-into a relationship with Christ-due to the depth of our sadness. I felt comforted by HIM. I know He is holding her, now. Someone once told me that wonderful things await us in Heaven... and that Jesus holds our babies that we can hold and smell and snuggle there-our own extra joy in Heaven... I hold onto that. And I received this picture and thought of our Sara, waiting for us...

I hope I didn't make you sad, Dear Reader, but let you know a different tidbit about me...

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