Two posts?

I figure two posts in one day will cancel out the fact that I missed yesterday, right? ;)

I just had that bittersweet feeling I get sometimes. I don't think I've blogged about it, the saddest events of my life... So I will. Not to get sympathy or extra attention, but because it's on my mind and that's what my blog is: my thoughts when I sit to type-or thoughts I had a few days ago and forgot then... :)

I was reading the latest posts about the new addition to the Days family: http://thedays17.blogspot.com/
It made me say "aww, how sweet" and "what a beautiful baby"... but it made me sad that we never had a third child. We tried. We wanted more children.

We were expecting "Sam"- we never knew the gender and thought Sam would work. :) We lost Sam at 15 weeks of pregnancy. After having two flawless pregnancies with our girls, it was utter shock and devastation.

Then, right around our due date for Sam, we got pregnant with Sara. I was anxious and worried about how this pregnancy would end up, especially after losing Sam. Our doctor assured us that Sam was just our "odds catching up with us" and with no health issues, we should be fine. The first trimester came and passed, with baby Sara doing wonderfully! Ah, relief, I could stop worrying! Our girls were 3 and a 1/2 and 7. My husband and the girls painted the nursery yellow and we bought things for her room. We still weren't sure of her gender at this point. The girls were beyond excited, and so were we!

Then I felt like things weren't right. Oddly it was September 11. A year after the planes crashed on that sad day. I just felt like something was wrong. They told me to come in and we'd listen to the heart beat. They were sure it was just a worried mom feeling. My husband met me at the hospital, thank goodness. We listened, but they couldn't find a baby heartbeat. That's common, they told me. So, we did an ultrasound. We saw that her heart wasn't beating.

We went in on a Friday the 13th and delivered our third girl. So tiny and perfect, at 6 months of gestation. They were never sure what happened. They did tests on her, and on me, but came up with nothing. The delivering doctor said she thought the cord may have been around her neck, but my doctor wasn't so sure. It was awful.

Her nursery door stayed closed for several weeks, months. We took her room decor back to the store. The girls were devastated. I was... words cannot express how sad I was. The ache that filled my entire being. I cried almost everyday for months. That's when I started drinking wine at night, just to dull the thoughts and memories, hopes and dreams, as I went to sleep.

After a while, my husband wanted to try again. I just couldn't. I knew I'd be a worried mess and not a good mother to the two daughters I already had.

Sara would be in first grade, now. It's still painful and sad when I just think about it. Although, I don't think about the events as much, though I still think of her and what she'd be like.

There was a positive thing from all the sadness, though, as I look back, now, years later. My husband was brought to faith and I was brought back to faith-into a relationship with Christ-due to the depth of our sadness. I felt comforted by HIM. I know He is holding her, now. Someone once told me that wonderful things await us in Heaven... and that Jesus holds our babies that we can hold and smell and snuggle there-our own extra joy in Heaven... I hold onto that. And I received this picture and thought of our Sara, waiting for us...

I hope I didn't make you sad, Dear Reader, but let you know a different tidbit about me...

oops

I was doing so well, and then I missed a day. OOps. Yesterday had no blog post (or picture of the day for that matter...) But I will continue onward. :)

Last night, after a busy day teaching and handing the grade cards out to go home... (fingers crossed that Monday and Tuesday have little or no parents complaint? ;)) We all went out to dinner at a nearby Italian place. It's a small, neighborhood restaurant (as I type that I thought, ugh, that is one of the few words I always misspell and I'm a good speller! but it is stuck in my brain incorrectly and I misspell it every time: restaraunt... anywho...) The food was delicious and my husband decided we should have a carafe of red house wine to go with our meal. Wow, that tired me out-red wine always makes me sleepy! We came home and watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, which is a wonderful show!! It has a great message. From the moment I saw it, I was hooked. We watched that and went to bed. I didn't even think about my daily blog post until this morning, because I never stepped into my office!

I didn't get a single run in all week: After school/work, the husband and I headed out to dinners while the girls were away, and then I enjoyed heading right home to see them on Thurs and Fri. I also had to run to the store, Wed. to grab groceries and I was making them, and their aunt, dinner.

Which reminds me, I saw a glimpse of a good idea on Cathy Zielske's blog, and thought about trying to recreate it. We had lean beef tacos, Spanish rice and fat free refried beans on Wed. and had many leftovers, so I had also bought a pork loin at the store on Wed. I put it in the crock pot on Thurs. to cook all day in green salsa-that's it- and shredded it when I got home to eat with the leftovers-tortillas, rice, etc. They were so good-and SUPER easy! (Wow, that was a long way to say, I tried a new recipe and we liked it... ;))

Back to the running, I'm planning on the hilly workout I did a few weeks ago that is about 6.5 today. I will have to do it after we head to our older daughter's track meet.

That is all for today, I think! I hope your weekend has started off wonderfully-ours has started with sunshine and no wind! :)

April 8

Here I am, again! I am getting tired, this evening. I had a few ideas earlier today of things I'd like to blog about... but I didn't write them down so "poof" the ideas have disappeared into the abyss. I hope to remember them so I can post a good paragraph or two tomorrow! :)

Tomorrow is the end of the week! :)

Today was cold, rainy and dreary, contributing to the sleepy sluggish feeling I had all day...

I hope your day was beautiful and productive! :)

One Week

Today, a week's worth of consecutive posts are now here on my blog. I just finished reading another blog about the writer's mother. It made me stop and think about the mother I am. I hope my impatience doesn't show through more than the love and care. I also hope my job doesn't take up more of my time and energy than my beautiful daughters.

Those lovely girls are back home, again, after their three days with their aunt. Is so nice to hear their voices, their piano music and their laughter. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with my husband-dinners out with conversation about our days-but I really am happy to see my girls home safe and sound. I am so proud of them, all they work hard to be. My husband, as well. I feel so truly blessed as I sit and think of them. I am thankful for His grace...

Today I finished up grade cards for the class I'm teaching. I am filled with such dread. I know there will be complaints from parents. Their kids didn't reach the expectations-mine or the parents-but I believe these grades are deserved and I have the grades in the grade book to back me up... still, I don't do well with conflict. I don't handle it very well. I feel sick already and the report cards don't go home until Friday! I have had a great past couple days with the kids-I've gotten back to my normal self, looking for those positive moments and know that I'm teaching them, and they will receive information and care from me. I know part of my fear is not being good enough for a full time job. When people ask me questions about where I want to teach or what age group, I say, "God will put me where He wants me to be". I sometimes forget to really believe it, though.

I hope your April is still moving along nicely! :)

April 6

I have been sitting at my computer working on inputting grades for a bit. It's more complicated than it should be, but works ok... if you know what you're doing! It's nice that I can do it from home. I called the teacher to make sure I was doing them correctly. I'm not done, and they have to be in by lunch tomorrow. Busy morning ahead! :)

Our girls are away for one more day and then they'll be home. I've sure missed them. Although I've enjoyed going out to dinner with my husband. I have eaten way too much and I haven't had time to get out and run since my 8 miler.

I do feel caught up on my grading and planning for now, though. :)

My flowers are continuing to come up nicely. I must resist the urge to go out and plant something-the last two years I saw so many people do it. We get sucked in by all the spring displays... new plants, fertilizer, etc... and then more frost comes and those same people are back at the store buying replacements. My dad always says wait until Mother's Day to plant something, and, even though he lives in a state North of us, I live by those words. The last two years they've helped me. :) Now, I just have to resist the urge to fill my garden with fresh, green color! I have already started thinking of my vegetable garden this year... less cherry/grape tomatoes and more of other things, like trying new leaf lettuce!

I hope your snow is melting, the sun is shining nicely (not too hot!) on you and you are smiling. :) I'm smiling at you! :)